Terminally Titleless

Twitter Essay

2010-01-21T12:43:00.001-05:00

"Can Twittering be considered a new cultural phenomenon or will it fade away?"

Do you Tweet? If you think I’m referring to chirping like a bird, you’re probably not on Twitter. Twitter is the latest microblogging website that has taken over not only the internet, but all of media. Users share their thoughts in 140 characters or less with the world (or however many followers they have). Twitter can be considered a cultural phenomenon because it is frequently featured on television, radio, in magazines and newspapers. It is utilized by many powerful and famous people including musicians, athletes and politicians. Finally, it has changed the way we send and receive our news.

Chances are you’ve heard of Twitter whether you have an account or not. If you turn on CNN you’ll find that they have a Twitter page that they often check in on. Viewers send in questions and breaking news information that the anchors then relate to the audience. Many radio stations now take requests via Twitter with no worries of having tied up phone lines. Magazines and newspapers create accounts to post links to articles online, enticing followers to buy their product and become readers. These Twitter accounts inform followers of current and upcoming television programming, radio contests and album releases, and featured articles and authors.

One of the biggest allures of using Twitter is the vast amount of celebrities who endorse it. From musicians to athletes to politicians, there is virtually no end of A-list accounts to follow. Those in the spotlight Tweeting include moguls like Oprah Winfrey and Barack Obama. Ellen DeGeneres has been credited with bringing thousands of users to the site through mentions of it on her talk show; users who previously did not fit the typical demographic. Those interested have signed up to follow their favourite pop stars, rock bands and musicians. John Mayer has nearly 3,000,000 followers that he can quickly and easily share concert dates and new songs with. Shaquille O’Neal, about 200,000 followers shy of Mayer, opened up an account in an attempt to combat impersonators on the rapidly growing website. Former U.S. vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin received a lot of attention for her Tweets during the 2008 campaign.

The greatest impact Twitter has had on our world is its effect on the way we send and receive news. It’s been responsible for real-time reports of the spreading H1N1 virus, the Free Tibet Movement, Iran protests and the recent Haitian earthquake. Twitter is the most popular microblogging website used today. The simplicity of 140 character or less messages enables users to send off important information worldwide in a short amount of time. With so many users, this information can be passed around at previously unheard of rates. A teenager in Guam can post an update and minutes later it can appear on our local news. This leads to quicker, more accurate reporting. No longer requiring a reporter to be sent on location, stories can be shared with millions as they take place.

Twitter shows no signs of slowing down, and why should it? It’s a cultural phenomenon that can be seen all over our media and is a convenient method of keeping track of celebrity exploits and breaking news. How do I know? A little bird told me.

What's In Your Bag?

2009-06-12T22:41:00.005-04:00

I haven't been able to access my Flickr account for over three years so this is going to have to go on here. Now stop asking!

Pencil To Paper

2009-05-29T22:24:00.023-04:00

Please submit your critiques and evaluations in the comments.

Get A Flip!

2009-05-26T08:33:00.000-04:00

This morning I was reminded of doing flips into my pool. With summer quickly approaching, this was a major bummer.

We moved out of our house with the pool when I was 14. Back then, I spent most of my entering-the-pool energy on perfecting the Superman dive and pool running. I was late to the whole front flip, back flip thing. A few belly flops here and there but there was definite improvement over those last couple summers. Still, I was nowhere near qualifying for the Olympics. Unacceptable.

I guess my point is that I miss running as fast as I can, jumping into the air, and flailing my body around without having to worry about paralysis when I land.

This reminds me of another pool-related point. Plugging your nose while jumping, diving, or going down the slide is considered bad form. Just breathe out your nose when you hit the water dummy! For Your Health.

More CanCom

2009-05-23T21:59:00.001-04:00

Public Service

2009-05-22T18:51:00.000-04:00

Wednesditties

2009-05-20T11:16:00.001-04:00

Swedish Edition!

Saturditties

2009-05-16T17:49:00.010-04:00

Omeggelette

2009-05-15T02:58:00.018-04:00

Since I like to keep my postings as incestuous* as possible, this post is inspired by a post from another blog which was inspired by a post on my blog which was inspired by yet another post on another blog. Got it? Good!

*None of us are related as far as I know.

This one got a little out of hand... or should I say robotic claw?

A quickie:

In Transit

2009-05-14T02:06:00.003-04:00

I took six buses yesterday. Here are some things I saw while either waiting for them or trying to board them:

A man in a suit paying the $2.40 fare in pennies. The coin receptacle jammed a few times so the driver pulled out his pocket knife and stabbed them down. He was in an unusually good mood for a bus driver, going so far as to make a crack about how there must be a China piggy bank in pieces somewhere.

A man wearing short shorts, a backpack, a fanny pack and a purse digging through garbage cans. There were four cans in close proximity and he would walk back and forth between them. (Perhaps because he might have missed something?) He took a leisurely break to smoke a cigarette butt from off the ground and read a newspaper from the garbage.

A blind woman feeling around on the ground for her guide dog's poop. Need I say more?

Missed Connections

2009-05-13T20:00:00.007-04:00

You: Pretty young woman on the bus with blonde highlights in a pink sweater minding your own business.

Me: Vincent Price circa 1988 look-alike with arched eyebrows and a cane sitting next to you watching your every move.

Comical CAPTCHA

2009-05-12T00:01:00.003-04:00

Who could this Al be? Here are the suspects:

Paint

2009-05-11T01:02:00.016-04:00

Day Bow Bow

2009-05-10T21:22:00.001-04:00

Omegle

2009-05-09T18:23:00.019-04:00

Drew from Toothpaste For Dinner brought this website to my attention. My conversation lasted a little bit longer than his.

It's the wave of the future.

Photo Shoot

2009-05-08T18:07:00.002-04:00

Sitting On Babies

2009-05-05T22:30:00.006-04:00

More babysitting, you guys!!!

It started out with the mother dropping off her daughter along with two Happy Meals. Theses meals succeeded in making me happy since I was hungry and did not feel like cooking or doing the subsequent dishes. Mama also gave her a fiver, so I took her to the store to buy candy, which I ended up picking out for her. She's far too indecisive and agreeable with me.

Not wanting to watch the Disney channel for three hours, I took her to the park. Kids LOVE the park. My maternal instincts we're kicking in; all the adults at the park were male and middle-aged. I watched her like a hawk, which was easy since I was running around with her the whole time. From the swings to the slides to the rocking horse thing, it eventually escalated into Tag.

"I call T!"
"I call coffee!"
"What's coffee?"
"A substitute for tea!"

She even let me swing her around by her hands! I say let because, though she does enjoy it, I have an impulse to swing small children in circles by either their hands or feet. Is this so wrong? Maybe it's because I quickly grew too big to be swung around by my limbs as a child. Making up for lost swinging time.

It was all good until some nine-ish year old boy showed up with an overly-active man in his early sixties. They were pretty much playing tag with a tennis ball. The boy had quite the arm and the man had quite the face to have hit with said tennis ball. The boy was racing around the jungle gym telling toddlers to get out of his way and using a sprinkling of mild language. When he started shouting "WHO WANTS TO PLAY?!" I knew it was time to leave.

A couple of Disney channel shows later, I broke out the arts and farts and crafts. Markers, crayons, spider writers, gel pens, stickers, construction paper, funky scissors, glue sicks and even feathers! She made cards for her parents, I made a cootie catcher. All in all, it's a pretty good way of making money. Maybe I should do it full time. Motherhood, that is. Baby makin' 24/7.

Take The White Pill

2009-04-27T19:38:00.014-04:00

Now I know this is going to sound crazy but I found some pills in my medicine cabinet. I don't know why I have these particular pills. I don't remember what they're prescribed for. My name is on the bottle but I don't recall what I went to the doctor for in July 2008. I Googled the name. This didn't help much, unless I've been diagnosed with arthritis and forgotten. I also asked a nurse who claimed to have prescribed this particular medication in the past. She could not remember why. Perhaps it is a memory-erasing pill? Inconclusive.

This is about as reckless as I get. I had a headache today so I took one of these pills, since they seem to be for some type of pain. It's been a few hours and I still have the headache. Here are my options: throw them out, sell them, crush them up and snort them.

Hometown Glory

2009-04-26T17:17:00.026-04:00

Today my brother mentioned a movie starring Vivica A. Fox that had been filmed at our old high school. This reminded me of a few others that had been shot in the area. As I was reading through a list of local filming locations on IMDB, I came across the Four Seasons Family Nudist Resort.
We had also been discussing our upbringing and comparing it to others, for better or for worse. I think never bringing us to a family nudist resort earns my parents some points.

Notable movies filmed in my hometown: The Incredible Hulk, Hairspray, Glitter, American Pie Presents The Naked Mile*, American Pie Presents Beta House*.

*direct-to-video releases

Psychoanalysis

2009-04-25T01:02:00.001-04:00

I babysat tonight. After she fell asleep I went on MSN.

Sara says (12:50 AM):
I think the little girl is dead. What's the best way of disposing a 6 year old? her shoulders may fit through the garbage chute
Sara says (12:51 AM):
I hope George Bush isn't tapping my MSN

Okay, so I'm stalling. I have some projects in the works that will most likely show up on here once complete. Patience is a virtue.

P.S. I will babysit your kids if you want.

js27

2009-04-22T00:58:00.000-04:00

I appreciate all of his constructive criticism and his positive and negative reinforcement. He is a sick and twisted individual, which is made apparent in his blog. Sick and twisted, yes, but it's also the funniest thing since sliced bread. I might as well throw in a link to his YouTube, which has been garnering quite the following.

TK Dallman

2009-04-22T00:26:00.009-04:00

I imagine TK stands for Trent Kent, making his his full name Trent Kent Reznor Brockman Dallman. I'm going to respect his wishes and not include a graphics interchange format image. He didn't state his opinion on Myspace links though. His music makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I've contacted my physician.

Dear Reader

2009-04-20T07:30:00.000-04:00

I feel guilty (and also quilty) for not updating this thing lately. Most of my genius is now being condensed and spit out onto Twitter. Would it make sense to link to it even though that's probably why you're here in the first place? Maybe not. Maybe I should just take the link off of my Twitter profile. NEIN! This blog ain't dead yet. I just haven't been thinking in terms of 140+ characters lately. Something's bound to come up soon...

P.S.
I'm curious as to who visits this blog. If you're in the mood, why not leave a comment? Maybe I will overlook what it says at the top there and direct/dedicate an entry or two to you.

I Also Rap

2009-04-10T00:11:00.010-04:00

Here's a couple of family-friendly bars all the way from grade nine:

I ain't got a rhyme book, none of these lines is pre-cooked
Oh wait, they've all been written - by Sara Brittain
Protect Ya Neck, my rhymes will cut you up
The ending of this rap will be rather abrupt

Spiffy GIF #5

2009-04-09T00:02:00.006-04:00

Stephen Colbert singing 'Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe'

Spiffy GIF #4

2009-04-08T22:20:00.006-04:00

Michael Ian Black's smear campaign

Spiffy GIF #3

2009-04-04T00:11:00.013-04:00

Sarah Silverman on the Late Show with David Letterman

Spiffy GIF #2

2009-04-03T20:38:00.008-04:00

Jon Stewart getting his rave on for reasons I can't remember.

Spiffy GIF #1

2009-04-02T22:14:00.009-04:00

I'm going to start posting some of my .gif images. Many of them were created from screen captures I took at chance moments when I used to watch cable on my PC, hence all of the station logos. Also, if you can think of something better than Spiffy GIFs, let me know. Let's start with some gentlemen with weiners in their mouths from when The Comedy Network aired the first season of Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

Krink FTW

Deconstructing Deconstructing Harry

2009-03-30T23:01:00.035-04:00

-Woody Allen, Bob Balaban, a 9 year old and a hooker in the same car? CHECK.
-Billy Crystal as the leader of the underworld? CHECK.
-Julia Louis Dreyfus getting it on with some old dude? CHECK.
-Robin Williams literally out of focus? CHECK.

My review: Not bad, not bad at all.

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 4

2009-03-28T00:02:00.001-04:00

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 3

2009-03-27T00:02:00.003-04:00

They've been separated. Cuteness nullified.

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 2

2009-03-26T00:04:00.001-04:00

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 1

2009-03-25T20:16:00.006-04:00

Don't Read This

2009-03-24T18:20:00.009-04:00

I had three distinct dreams last night. The first of which was about two women sitting at a table having a conversation that seemed very provocative at the time. So good, that I was aware of it in my dream and tried waking myself up so I could write it down before I forgot it. Damned sleep apnea. Here's what I could remember of it when I finally woke up:

"What's the ketchup for?"
"My omelette."
"You don't like ketchup."
"I like having the option."
She would later learn to regret saying this.

This was only the tip of the iceberg. It eventually took a turn for the serious. It wasn't as if I was one of the characters or observing this happen, it was as if I was controlling it and writing it as I went. A dream that I forgot. Worth it's own post? Perhaps not.
Consider yourself lucky that I didn't go into the next two dreams.

Cyclops In Rainbows

2009-03-22T23:01:00.047-04:00

I'm sick of LeVar Burton. His ass is popping up everywhere lately; The Soup, Loveline, even on Kevin Pollak's Stickam channel. What is he even promoting? A new Star Trek/Reading Rainbow DVD release? You can't have two capital letters in your first name! And that facial hair! At least have the dignity to pick up some Just For Men. 175, 312 followers on Twitter? Absurd! Sick tat, brah.

Update: Mr. Burton has gained 165 followers on Twitter since I started typing this. I guess I'm alone on this one.

Bucket List

2009-03-21T21:08:00.012-04:00

break an arm or leg
give birth
own another dog
get a tattoo I regret
be on TV, for any reason
colour my hair (not very lofty, just unlikely)
visit another province or territory
leave the continent
fend off an attacker
fend off a lion, tiger or bear
poop in the shower
meet Sloan (also not very lofty)
visit the Kinder factory
go undercover (fake moustache)
use the men's room when the ladies room is occupied

(the last 2 would most likely occur simultaneously)

Fan

2009-03-20T23:31:00.006-04:00

A teetering ceiling fan makes for an exciting night;
you may wake up to a face full of rapidly rotating blades.

You Make My Dreams Come Drew

2009-03-19T00:10:00.004-04:00

I dreamt about Dr. Drew last night.

We were outside in a cottage-on-the-lake-type setting. The two of us were talking a 22 year old through her relationship problems. She had a quick temper and was your typical concrete-thinking Loveline caller. We then learned she had a child. All I remember besides this is ending up in bathing suits and wading around in the lake, still trying to calm this girl down. Drew was getting a bad sunburn on his shoulders. I tsk-tsked him and was trying to cover them up with my forearms in an attempt to prevent further burning. This is what happens when you fall asleep listening to Loveline.

More dream recounts to come...

Lord, We Don't Need Another Vest

2009-03-18T02:43:00.015-04:00

What the world needs now is jackets, leather jackets. It's the only thing that there's just too little of. What the world needs now is jackets, leather jackets. No, not just for some, but for everyone.

St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T23:21:00.031-04:00

My hair is orange and I'm sitting at home on St. Patrick's Day. I'm about as Irish as it gets. I'm talking "Is that chick's hair on fire?" "Maybe, but why's her skin so freakishly pale?" No boozing either. Something just ain't quite right.

I don't see the connection. It must be one of those Jesus Christ/Easter Bunny-type situations.

What Makes Me Laugh

2009-03-16T23:45:00.009-04:00

I know what you're wondering. What makes Sara LOL? Well, you've come to the right place; my stupid blog. This video is a very good example of what makes me laugh out loud. Let this be a warning: the following video may arouse you. But SRSLY, it's RLY funny. Watch it. ALL OF IT.

Thanks For Reading

2009-03-15T10:13:00.010-04:00

...but I have nothing to blog about right now.
Besides really really really wishing I could play an instrument.

Emotions Materialized

2009-03-11T02:14:00.005-04:00

Possible Career Paths

2009-03-10T21:20:00.002-04:00

Phone sex operator
Vigilante abortionist
Open letter writer
Joke recycler
Wal-Mart greeter
Myth purveyor
Hand/foot model
Abstract painter
Children's book author
Crossing guard

Why I Might Be Gay

2009-03-05T10:29:00.011-05:00

Wearing plaid flannel shirts, track jackets and Hush Puppies socks, my lifelong disinterest in Brad Pitt, my lifelong interest in stand-up comedy, Keeley Hazell's boobs.

Things...

2009-02-26T09:51:00.008-05:00

I wish I enjoyed: classical music, mushrooms, flip-flops

I can't do standing still: talk on the phone, brush my teeth, run

I find funny: mispronunciations, over-enunciation, fake tans

I consider to be character flaws: not liking The Beatles or The Simpsons, preferring flavoured water over plain water

What I Wouldn't Do For You

2009-02-24T23:02:00.023-05:00

-Diet & exercise
-Kill (this is flexible)
-Take down my Robert Smith poster
-Stay in the sun for extended period of times
-Watch Two and a Half Men (unless I can constantly point out the tarantula on Charlie Sheen's forehead)
-Share my Kinder Schokolade
-Write a blog that isn't self-serving

Things...

2009-02-23T21:42:00.002-05:00

I enjoy: walking, whistling, Socratic irony, most colours

I find strange: people who wear shoes in their home

I don't want to see: pictures of your kid

Conspiracy Theory #1

2009-02-19T18:13:00.015-05:00

Hand moisturizer manufacturers conspire with hand washing poster manufacturers. Reason: Hand washing posters instruct you to wash your hands with soap. Soap dries out your hands. Your hands then require moisturizer. I think I'm onto something...*

*I thought this would make for a good blog but it turns out I'm not a conspiracy theorist nor have I ever been and this totally sucked. My apologies.

Red Hot Hiatus

2009-02-18T17:38:00.023-05:00

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have recently confirmed that they are extending their previous hiatus to two years. To express my grief, here are a few select Neil Hamburger jokes.

How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it depends how recently they've shot-up!

Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?
Well, because they were running away from the rehab clinic.

What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when their management informed them that they were not at all happy with band's latest tracks?
Well, they went out and bought long-sleeve shirts.

What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chili Peppers with an octopus?
Junkies with eight arms to shoot up into.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a banana?
Well, a banana is high in potassium, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are high on heroin.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?
Well, the great Harriet Tubman was of course a heroine to the slaves and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to heroin!

A&E's Intervention

2009-02-17T17:31:00.009-05:00

How do these people still believe that they're only taking part in a documentary about addiction and have no idea that they're going to be the subject of an intervention? I call bullshit!

Alcoholism, eating disorders, self-injury, and addictions to drugs, sex, gambling, video games, shopping and plastic surgery are no excuses to not watch basic cable. I think their first step toward recovery is calling their local service provider. Imagine how little time would be focused on their addictions if watching TV became their new vice. HGTV could be substituted for marijuana use; MTV Canada could replace those stubborn meth habits. What a utopia!

A Tactless Quipping!

2009-02-16T17:16:00.021-05:00

Why is Darrell Hammond still on Saturday Night Live?

WHY, I ASK, WHY?

Perhaps it's because he's the only older male on the cast.
Perhaps it's because the producers really enjoy his 10 second an episode appearances.
Perhaps it's to continue his tenure as the longest-running cast member (since 1995)!

What is he supposed to do now that Dick Cheney is no longer second banana and no one cares about Donald Trump or Bill Clinton? Why am I blogging about Darrell Hammond instead of doing homework? Why, I ask why?!?

Works of Art Pt. 5

2009-02-15T22:19:00.009-05:00

Works of Art Pt. 4

2009-02-14T20:03:00.015-05:00

I never said they were going to be topical!

Works of Art Pt. 3

2009-02-13T19:58:00.008-05:00

Works of Art Pt. 2

2009-02-12T20:07:00.026-05:00

"The Roots Of All Evil"

Works of Art Pt. 1

2009-02-11T20:00:00.008-05:00

The Kutcher-Moores

2009-01-22T12:24:00.009-05:00

I stumbled upon Ashton Kutcher's Myspace this afternoon. A caption on one of his pictures reads "28 with a step daughter in college? who'd a thunk it"

He's not just some schlub Mom married, he's a 30 year old underwear model for Christ's sake. There's no way she lets him walk around the house in his Calvin Klein's. If I was Mom I'd be locking everyones doors. I can't even begin to wrap my head around this. I also can't wait for the tell-all memoir.

WTF Happened To - #1

2008-10-02T15:42:00.028-04:00

I was distinguishing Die Hard from Die Hard 2 by explaining to a friend that the second Die Hard is the one with the limo. "It doesn't take place in a limo" they said. "No, there's just one it" I responded. Then I thought to myself; takes place in a limo, what a great idea for a movie! Almost as thrilling as Phone Booth taking place in a phone booth. Which lead me to the question:
WTF happened to Colin Farrell?

I haven't seen him in a long time considering movie star years, which are similar to dog years. Did he die from alcohol poisoning? Syphilis perhaps? Oh, right -- Miami Vice. What a turd that was. Beautiful cinemetogpahy wasted on bad actors breathily reciting horribley-written dialogue. It turns out that he is still alive and is apparently starring in movies that I haven't heard of.

UPDATE: Thanks to Wikipedia, I have now been informed that painkillers are his poison and not alcohol as previously stated. In other old news, it appears Colin has a penchant for being polite to prostitutes and having bastard children. He also bought a homeless man in Toronto an apartment, took him on a $3000 shopping-spree and convinced him to stop drinking. Mazal tov!

Lakeview Terrace

2008-09-25T21:50:00.012-04:00

My review of Lakeview Terrace: Bonerific.

Patrick Wilson gives me a total boner.
You know, like a chick boner.

Skivvy Scheme/Bloomer Blueprint/Drawer Diagram/Lingerie Layout/Panty Platform

2008-09-09T21:22:00.004-04:00

The Natural Evolution of the Male Undergarment

1. Diaper
learns to not pee himself
2. Briefs
realizes tighty whities are lame
3. Boxers
realizes boxers are impractical
4. Boxer briefs
no longer trying to impress anyone
5. Briefs
forgets to not pee himself
6. Diaper

Honourable Alternates:
The Union Suit/Long Johns
The Thong/G-String
The Manssiere/Bro
The Tallit Katan
The Kaccha

Livid Letterman

2008-09-08T23:56:00.012-04:00

David Letterman is pissed. He is NOT cool with climate change. In the immortal words of Freddie Mercury "Get on your bikes and ride!"

(Earth is mourning the loss of polar bears and Party Ice.)

Possible Upcoming Posts

2008-09-04T21:46:00.025-04:00

-Halloween costume ideas
(Eve - I've already got the fig leaf. I've also found the perfect turquoise dress shirt for a Lois Griffin ensemble.)

-summer movie reviews
(Tropic Thunder sucked,
Pineapple Express didn't)

-anecdotes from my recent trip to Michigan (including a local confusing Canada with Australia)

Never mind, three posts complete.

Fetching Phelps

2008-08-22T18:10:00.048-04:00

I totally just found a normal-looking, attractive, dare I say, shmexy picture of Mister Manfish himself -- Michael Phelps!

FYI I'm imagining playing the bongos on his boobies.

It must be the hair. Head hair, face hair, chest hair. Hair is good.

P.S. Fetching+Phelps=Feltching... coincidence?

Facebook Flub

2008-08-19T13:59:00.010-04:00

Today I went to Future Shop. While browsing through the TV section I noticed a computer set up that had a large widescreen monitor with a stretched out picture. What was this skewed image of you ask? A Facebook profile. Not just ANY Facebook profile but a SIGNED IN Facebook profile. Now I don't get much shots at sabotage and this particular gentleman who had left his profile signed in, to my knowledge, has done me no wrong. That being said, how could I resist? He was listed as in a relationship with a certain someone. What did I do next? I wrote on her wall. Now this might sound bad but trust me, it was hilarious at the time. I told her that I wanted to see other people.

Am I going to Hell?

That's My Mama

2008-08-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

My mom called me tonight - we hadn't talked in a couple of days. She went to a Rod Stewart concert Saturday night. This was her third time seeing him in a year and a half. She's been going to his concerts since the 80's and has no idea how many she's been to over the years.

We talked about Rod and Elvis, her guys, and John Cusack, my guy. We concluded; tall dark and handsome, though that doesn't explain Rod. I recounted my dream from the previous night which included a dinner with a revolving cast of distant acquaintances and members of Sloan. It took a dark twist resulting in the untimely death of a pet mouse. Deep introspection was needed for that one.

She just called back to let me know that they were talking about the Pixies on 107.9. It quickly turned into a breathy crooning version of Tainted Love but that's beside the point. The moral of the story? My mom is the coolest.

A Theory

2008-08-17T05:56:00.014-04:00

Michael Phelps is the new Chuck Norris.

"I heard that he punches stars right out of the sky and eats whole giraffes for breakfast, lunch and dinner."
"...And space eagles. They're the tastiest. At least 1,900 calories per carcass."

He also apparently eats his own feces to retain those 12,000 calories. He has flippers for Christ's sake! The sportscaster even said so!
Oh, and those little legs! Tee hee hee.

Things I've Bought That I Love #3

2008-08-16T07:39:00.038-04:00

Yesterday I purchased Michael Ian Black's latest literary effort My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face. I rationalized paying $29.39 by reminding myself that he is a struggling artist with a family to feed. The Coles employee also informed me that "He's funny."

I got to the ninth page and thought to myself "Wooo take 'er easy! You're burnin' through this book like wildfire! Baby steps girl, baby steps. You keep goin' and there's no tellin' how fast you'll finish this thing!" So I've read nine pages. Here's a scented candle/genital comparison excerpted from the book: "Everybody loves a good scented candle. Scented candles are to people's nostrils what friction is to their genitals-in other words, terrific."

Talk Show Trash Talk

2008-08-04T05:15:00.023-04:00

I've been catching up on missed talk shows lately, specifically The Tonight Show. Now I know Leno is leaving next year but the crew left 2 weeks ago. The cameramen are really shitting the bed lately. They couldn't block a shot to save their lives. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was on after Kevin Spacey on the 25th and you could see the puppeteers entire forearm and the bald crown of his curly-haired Jew head. This would never have happened to Kermit on Carson.

Also, Jay has become very brazen as of late. Jesse McCartney performed on the aforementioned episode and when introducing him, Jay mentioned the title of his album 'Departure.' I'm sure I'm stepping on the joke but Jay pointed out that it's a good name if you're leaving. He's certainly more lax when it comes to the censors. Maybe this falls on the producer's lap or whatever lackey intern does the pre-interviews but Jay had no problem with Seth Rogen's masturbation talk. He encouraged it! (Kudos, by the way.)

In other talk show related tirades, there's the double standard when it comes to guests. I've heard Adam Carolla mention this before, as he has been through it many a time. When an attractive female is on a talk show all they have to do is just that -- be attractive. They tell frivolous stories that go nowhere and the host is forced to indulge them. I guess it goes for some of the males as well. When it's an average looking celebrity or comedian, they have to dance. They film a clip or rehearse a bit, as Carolla is known to do on Kimmel. Hell, he even rode out on a unicycle once.

Oh look! A separate televised unicycle stunt. Dance Adam, dance for The Man. Which reminds me, besides this and the Jimmy Kimmel Live appearance I was referring to, he also unicycled on Dancing With The Stars. Oh man.

Even if you're a well-established figure, aren't you obliged to entertain? It's your job! You don't see Don Rickles talking about shoe shopping when he goes on Letterman. (Though he could if he wanted to, he's earned it.) As an entertainer in the entertainment industry shouldn't you entertain? Say, make a joke or two, act like you have a pulse? The worst is when they don't even try to plug. Maybe they don't feel they need to, just showing up is enough.

Do I sound bitter yet? Was this a tactless quipping? I'm not sure. I guess I didn't display much tact when referring to Robert Smigel's cranium, (although I didn't mean it in a derogatory sense, I love Jews. Anyone who knows me knows I love the Jews. I guess I was just trying to point out that dogs don't typically have the arm of a Jew shoved up their butts. A Gentile sure, but never a Jew) but when I think "quipping" I think "brief." Maybe I should stick to writing Things I've Bought That I Love posts and stop watching so much TV.

P.S. Did anyone see Mindy Kaling on Letterman? This is a relevant question because she is partly responsible for starting this blog and he is partly to blame for this entry.

I'm Happy Just To Dance With Me

2008-08-03T01:34:00.043-04:00

I just realized I was being watched doing what I would describe as a Salsa Shuffle. I was getting my groove on to Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys when I sauntered over to the window sill to see a Polo-shirted young man staring at me. I did a 180 and flopped down on my butt and closed the curtains. He is probably still there. What is he doing there anyway?

Bonus dance recounting:
I've been sick for four or five days now. Congested, laryngitis, a bit of a cough but not miserable. I think I'm on a common cold high. I was dancing like crazy today! I took out my old boom box recently. It used to get left outside and still has Pine pollen inside the speakers. It's much better than my newer fancier stereo. The newer fancier one cuts out if it is turned up too loud and has a mind of it's own when it comes to deciding when to work again.

Anywho, The Offspring's Keep 'Em Separated was on the radio. It's one of those songs that I forget about and am surprised to realize I know the lyrics. It got me moving and pumped me up to put on Sloan's Navy Blues. (Which has been called one of Canada's greatest albums, rightfully so.) I started feverishly strutting up and down the room like Mick Jagger to She Says What She Means. A little bit later I got a nice slow burn on to Sinking Ships and was re-energized and bouncing around, emulating a young Anthony Kiedis to Keep On Thinkin' -- one of my favourites.

Go ahead and skip to 1:30. Note: Chris sans glasses, energetic Jay

Oh, and of course the title inspiration:

I hope this makes up for my ten day absence. Goodnight.

I Believed In Them

2008-07-24T01:26:00.019-04:00

No rain, no heat, no humidity, no problem. Perfect night.
SLOOOOO-OOOOOAN

Believe In Them

2008-07-23T08:29:00.012-04:00

I've been watching Toronto news stations and obsessively checking weather sites hoping for a chance that it won't rain tonight. Sloan are playing a free show at BMO Field and I have the GO Train schedules all figured out. They play so many shows around where I live, many of them free, I just can't believe I still haven't seen them. So am I willing to stand in the rain (thunderstorms) with a bunch of drunk guys yelling at the stage? I wasn't 100% sure until I just turned the channel to see the new Believe In Me video. I'm convinced.

Dinner Dilemma

2008-07-22T18:14:00.038-04:00

We've all been there. It's Friday night, it's getting late, you're hungry. There's nothing in the house to eat--time for some take-out. You've had pizza three times this week, you're sick of it. So here's the quandary: KFC or Chinese? Well now you don't have to choose. In case the image isn't clear, those are chopsticks and fortune cookies. The green tea has a distinct Asian vibe as well.
Delicious.

Things I've Bought That I Love #2

2008-07-20T15:47:00.038-04:00

Today I went to Coles to look for Michael Ian Black and Kevin Nealon's new books. I had already picked up Kevin Nealon's, flipped through it and set it back down when I realized it was $28.95 a week prior. So I found Michael Ian Black's and checked the sleeve to see it was $29.95. My previous night's earnings would not cover either of these. (By the way, they certainly were NOT 34% off. Damn you Indigo.ca) I guess I'm going to have to get into a more lucrative business than babysitting. That or wait 6 months until they're released in soft cover. This was all very depressing so I decided to look for clothes, which turned out to be even more depressing. Until I found some wicked jeans for a mere $7.99.

Computer Calamity

2008-07-19T12:52:00.017-04:00

If I'm absent for an extended period of time it's due to my computer exploding. It's quite old in computer years, which are similar to dog years, and I've gotten off pretty easy--I don't even remember the last time I had a problem with it besides this afternoon. If it does explode I will not only be away beacause it no longer functions but because I will be in mourning. Woe is me.

Things I've Bought That I Love #1

2008-07-18T12:04:00.012-04:00

Today I went cherry picking. We walked around a bit until we found some bunches near the bottoms of the trees which were mildly sweet and a little too soft. Luckily I overheard the woman who raped us of our $35 say that the firmer cherries were in the first couple of rows. It takes a keen eye to spot the good ones. By keen eye I mean long legs because they are all at the top of the trees. Since my Dad doesn't have long legs he climbed instead. Here are the fruits of our labour. LITERALLY!

I also bought these earrings.

Things I've Bought That I Love

2008-07-18T07:58:00.014-04:00

I will be starting a series of posts which are inspired by Vera Chokalingam/Mindy Kaling/Mindy Ephron/Kelly Kapoor/whatever other pseudonyms she goes by.

I will review my recent purchases, whether wise or unwise, with a clever, sardonic twist. Brace yourselves.

http://thingsiboughtthatilove.com/

An Open Letter To John Cusack

2008-07-18T07:23:00.002-04:00

Hey how's it going? You should give me a call sometime! You've got my number right? You don't? Oh, well I'm pretty sure I've got yours around here somewhere... shit I think I lost it. Oh, that's right, you never gave it to me. Yeah I remember now, we've never even met. Give me a call anyways, I'm up for anything.

Dear Dad

2008-07-18T07:22:00.000-04:00

What do you mean I can't move in with him? Are you kidding me? Who are you to tell me what I'm not allowed to do? I mean what have you ever done for me? A house with only two bathrooms? Come on! What a joke! When I was five you wouldn't even get me that Barbie Jeep I wanted, and you have the temerity to tell me that an eighteen year age difference isn't "right?" Look who's talking! I'm supposed to listen to someone who once went out with a sophomore when they were a senior? Gross!

Rhinoplasty

2008-07-18T07:16:00.010-04:00

So I've been looking into rhinoplasty. I can't afford it, but my face sure can. Seriously though, I've looked at dozens of before and afters and I honestly haven't seen any noses wider than mine. Longer sure, there's plenty of boner noses but no brotherman novelty-width noses. The tip of your nose isn't supposed to be wider than your thumb, is it? I definitely know you shouldn't be able to fit two fingers up each nostril but I can. It gets the job done quicker.

Congratulations! Your new nose looks great!

This isn't a laughing matter. Let's get one thing straight. I don't have low self esteem. I have no self esteem. There's a big difference. Almost as big as my nose. I also don't have body dysmorhpic disorder. My nose is large. It's a fact. Another thing I noticed was that in the before pictures you couldn't see up the person's nose without trying. I am guilty of that. You should see me when I frown.

Many a times I've tried to convince my Mom to punch me in the face or my Dad to veer off the road and get into a serious accident to no avail. Even now as I look at pictures of me as a baby and a young child I notice it. Big blue eyes, sure, but the nose of a full-grown black man. I feel like Angela Chase. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll grow up to be just like Claire Danes. Blonde and super-skinny. Like rib-cage-instead-of-cleavage skinny. Maybe, just maybe...

My Favourite Baldwin

2008-07-18T07:16:00.005-04:00

I'll start off by saying that it's not Stephen. The born-again brother creeps me out, with all of his talk of Deuteronomy. Furthermore, he got really fat and sweaty. Though I do commend him for supporting Huckabee. Those comments about the concentration camps were a real hoot.

Alec. I like Alec. I think. Why couldn't he just go by Alex, it would be much easier.

Daniel. What's there to say about Daniel? His best work to date is his time spent in rehab. God Bless Dr. Drew.

And the other one--what's his nose. No one cares about him. Was it him that no one cares about or Daniel? Oh, that's right, William. The least scandalous of them all, how boring.

In conclusion and in summation my favourite Baldwin is Tito.

Piano Chords

2008-07-18T07:15:00.016-04:00

Why are you so hard? All I wanted to do was pick a percussion setting on my keyboard so I could make some beats. Is that so wrong? Is it so out of the question to have a good beat to spit over? I guess so.

Now I probably won't even be able to pursue my rap career because I can't afford an MPC. Besides, even if I did turn tricks and saved up the money to buy one, I still couldn't get anywhere, because you probably need "a basic understanding of music composition to create anything that actually sounds like music" or something stupid like that. Instead I need to take years of "lessons." Forget it!

Do you think Too $hort made it in this business because he "practised?" No way! He just woke up one day and thought it would be cool to be a rapper and has been stuck in the game ever since! You think Biggie took lessons? He's dead! I'd like to see piano chords help him now!

I'm Thinking About Getting Horseshoes

2008-07-18T07:14:00.003-04:00

I often find my feet sore -- traditional peopleshoes just don't seem to adequately protect my feet from everyday wear and tear. This leads me to believe I would be much more comfortable with horseshoes.

I'm not sure whether I would prefer the glued-on-to the foot or the nailed-into the foot kind. Of course choosing the latter brings up the age-old question 'Do I need studs?' If so, I would then have to get myself a set of bell boots to protect my heels.

I am definitely putting the fashion aspect of picking out a pair of horseshoes into consideration. Although rawhide is becoming increasingly popular these days, I much prefer the classic steel/aluminium style. They seem to go great with every outfit!

In any case, I will need to find a professional to install them. Hit me up if you know of anyone who specializes in horseshoe fittings.