Red Hot Hiatus

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have recently confirmed that they are extending their previous hiatus to two years. To express my grief, here are a few select Neil Hamburger jokes.

How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it depends how recently they've shot-up!

Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?
Well, because they were running away from the rehab clinic.

What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when their management informed them that they were not at all happy with band's latest tracks?
Well, they went out and bought long-sleeve shirts.

What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chili Peppers with an octopus?
Junkies with eight arms to shoot up into.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a banana?
Well, a banana is high in potassium, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are high on heroin.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?
Well, the great Harriet Tubman was of course a heroine to the slaves and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to heroin!

Rhinoplasty

So I've been looking into rhinoplasty. I can't afford it, but my face sure can. Seriously though, I've looked at dozens of before and afters and I honestly haven't seen any noses wider than mine. Longer sure, there's plenty of boner noses but no brotherman novelty-width noses. The tip of your nose isn't supposed to be wider than your thumb, is it? I definitely know you shouldn't be able to fit two fingers up each nostril but I can. It gets the job done quicker.











Congratulations! Your new nose looks great!

This isn't a laughing matter. Let's get one thing straight. I don't have low self esteem. I have no self esteem. There's a big difference. Almost as big as my nose. I also don't have body dysmorhpic disorder. My nose is large. It's a fact. Another thing I noticed was that in the before pictures you couldn't see up the person's nose without trying. I am guilty of that. You should see me when I frown.

Many a times I've tried to convince my Mom to punch me in the face or my Dad to veer off the road and get into a serious accident to no avail. Even now as I look at pictures of me as a baby and a young child I notice it. Big blue eyes, sure, but the nose of a full-grown black man. I feel like Angela Chase. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll grow up to be just like Claire Danes. Blonde and super-skinny. Like rib-cage-instead-of-cleavage skinny. Maybe, just maybe...

My Favourite Baldwin

I'll start off by saying that it's not Stephen. The born-again brother creeps me out, with all of his talk of Deuteronomy. Furthermore, he got really fat and sweaty. Though I do commend him for supporting Huckabee. Those comments about the concentration camps were a real hoot.

Alec. I like Alec. I think. Why couldn't he just go by Alex, it would be much easier.

Daniel. What's there to say about Daniel? His best work to date is his time spent in rehab. God Bless Dr. Drew.

And the other one--what's his nose. No one cares about him. Was it him that no one cares about or Daniel? Oh, that's right, William. The least scandalous of them all, how boring.

In conclusion and in summation my favourite Baldwin is Tito.

Piano Chords

Why are you so hard? All I wanted to do was pick a percussion setting on my keyboard so I could make some beats. Is that so wrong? Is it so out of the question to have a good beat to spit over? I guess so.

Now I probably won't even be able to pursue my rap career because I can't afford an MPC. Besides, even if I did turn tricks and saved up the money to buy one, I still couldn't get anywhere, because you probably need "a basic understanding of music composition to create anything that actually sounds like music" or something stupid like that. Instead I need to take years of "lessons." Forget it!

Do you think Too $hort made it in this business because he "practised?" No way! He just woke up one day and thought it would be cool to be a rapper and has been stuck in the game ever since! You think Biggie took lessons? He's dead! I'd like to see piano chords help him now!

I'm Thinking About Getting Horseshoes

I often find my feet sore -- traditional peopleshoes just don't seem to adequately protect my feet from everyday wear and tear. This leads me to believe I would be much more comfortable with horseshoes.

I'm not sure whether I would prefer the glued-on-to the foot or the nailed-into the foot kind. Of course choosing the latter brings up the age-old question 'Do I need studs?' If so, I would then have to get myself a set of bell boots to protect my heels.

I am definitely putting the fashion aspect of picking out a pair of horseshoes into consideration. Although rawhide is becoming increasingly popular these days, I much prefer the classic steel/aluminium style. They seem to go great with every outfit!

In any case, I will need to find a professional to install them. Hit me up if you know of anyone who specializes in horseshoe fittings.