Things...

I wish I enjoyed: classical music, mushrooms, flip-flops

I can't do standing still: talk on the phone, brush my teeth, run

I find funny: mispronunciations, over-enunciation, fake tans

I consider to be character flaws: not liking The Beatles or The Simpsons, preferring flavoured water over plain water

What I Wouldn't Do For You

-Diet & exercise
-Kill (this is flexible)
-Take down my Robert Smith poster
-Stay in the sun for extended period of times
-Watch Two and a Half Men (unless I can constantly point out the tarantula on Charlie Sheen's forehead)
-Share my Kinder Schokolade
-Write a blog that isn't self-serving

Things...

I enjoy: walking, whistling, Socratic irony, most colours

I find strange: people who wear shoes in their home

I don't want to see: pictures of your kid

Conspiracy Theory #1

Hand moisturizer manufacturers conspire with hand washing poster manufacturers. Reason: Hand washing posters instruct you to wash your hands with soap. Soap dries out your hands. Your hands then require moisturizer. I think I'm onto something...*

*I thought this would make for a good blog but it turns out I'm not a conspiracy theorist nor have I ever been and this totally sucked. My apologies.

Red Hot Hiatus

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have recently confirmed that they are extending their previous hiatus to two years. To express my grief, here are a few select Neil Hamburger jokes.

How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it depends how recently they've shot-up!

Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?
Well, because they were running away from the rehab clinic.

What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when their management informed them that they were not at all happy with band's latest tracks?
Well, they went out and bought long-sleeve shirts.

What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chili Peppers with an octopus?
Junkies with eight arms to shoot up into.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a banana?
Well, a banana is high in potassium, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are high on heroin.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?
Well, the great Harriet Tubman was of course a heroine to the slaves and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to heroin!

A&E's Intervention

How do these people still believe that they're only taking part in a documentary about addiction and have no idea that they're going to be the subject of an intervention? I call bullshit!

Alcoholism, eating disorders, self-injury, and addictions to drugs, sex, gambling, video games, shopping and plastic surgery are no excuses to not watch basic cable. I think their first step toward recovery is calling their local service provider. Imagine how little time would be focused on their addictions if watching TV became their new vice. HGTV could be substituted for marijuana use; MTV Canada could replace those stubborn meth habits. What a utopia!

A Tactless Quipping!

Why is Darrell Hammond still on Saturday Night Live?

WHY, I ASK, WHY?

Perhaps it's because he's the only older male on the cast.
Perhaps it's because the producers really enjoy his 10 second an episode appearances.
Perhaps it's to continue his tenure as the longest-running cast member (since 1995)!

What is he supposed to do now that Dick Cheney is no longer second banana and no one cares about Donald Trump or Bill Clinton? Why am I blogging about Darrell Hammond instead of doing homework? Why, I ask why?!?

Works of Art Pt. 5

Works of Art Pt. 4

I never said they were going to be topical!

Works of Art Pt. 3

Works of Art Pt. 2

"The Roots Of All Evil"

Works of Art Pt. 1