What's In Your Bag?

I haven't been able to access my Flickr account for over three years so this is going to have to go on here. Now stop asking!

Pencil To Paper

Please submit your critiques and evaluations in the comments.

Get A Flip!

This morning I was reminded of doing flips into my pool. With summer quickly approaching, this was a major bummer.

We moved out of our house with the pool when I was 14. Back then, I spent most of my entering-the-pool energy on perfecting the Superman dive and pool running. I was late to the whole front flip, back flip thing. A few belly flops here and there but there was definite improvement over those last couple summers. Still, I was nowhere near qualifying for the Olympics. Unacceptable.

I guess my point is that I miss running as fast as I can, jumping into the air, and flailing my body around without having to worry about paralysis when I land.

This reminds me of another pool-related point. Plugging your nose while jumping, diving, or going down the slide is considered bad form. Just breathe out your nose when you hit the water dummy! For Your Health.

More CanCom

Public Service

Wednesditties

Swedish Edition!

Saturditties

Omeggelette

Since I like to keep my postings as incestuous* as possible, this post is inspired by a post from another blog which was inspired by a post on my blog which was inspired by yet another post on another blog. Got it? Good!

*None of us are related as far as I know.

This one got a little out of hand... or should I say robotic claw?


A quickie:

In Transit

I took six buses yesterday. Here are some things I saw while either waiting for them or trying to board them:

A man in a suit paying the $2.40 fare in pennies. The coin receptacle jammed a few times so the driver pulled out his pocket knife and stabbed them down. He was in an unusually good mood for a bus driver, going so far as to make a crack about how there must be a China piggy bank in pieces somewhere.

A man wearing short shorts, a backpack, a fanny pack and a purse digging through garbage cans. There were four cans in close proximity and he would walk back and forth between them. (Perhaps because he might have missed something?) He took a leisurely break to smoke a cigarette butt from off the ground and read a newspaper from the garbage.

A blind woman feeling around on the ground for her guide dog's poop. Need I say more?

Missed Connections

You: Pretty young woman on the bus with blonde highlights in a pink sweater minding your own business.

Me: Vincent Price circa 1988 look-alike with arched eyebrows and a cane sitting next to you watching your every move.

Comical CAPTCHA

Who could this Al be? Here are the suspects:

Paint

Day Bow Bow

Omegle

Drew from Toothpaste For Dinner brought this website to my attention. My conversation lasted a little bit longer than his.















































































It's the wave of the future.

Photo Shoot

Sitting On Babies

More babysitting, you guys!!!

It started out with the mother dropping off her daughter along with two Happy Meals. Theses meals succeeded in making me happy since I was hungry and did not feel like cooking or doing the subsequent dishes. Mama also gave her a fiver, so I took her to the store to buy candy, which I ended up picking out for her. She's far too indecisive and agreeable with me.

Not wanting to watch the Disney channel for three hours, I took her to the park. Kids LOVE the park. My maternal instincts we're kicking in; all the adults at the park were male and middle-aged. I watched her like a hawk, which was easy since I was running around with her the whole time. From the swings to the slides to the rocking horse thing, it eventually escalated into Tag.

"I call T!"
"I call coffee!"
"What's coffee?"
"A substitute for tea!"

She even let me swing her around by her hands! I say let because, though she does enjoy it, I have an impulse to swing small children in circles by either their hands or feet. Is this so wrong? Maybe it's because I quickly grew too big to be swung around by my limbs as a child. Making up for lost swinging time.

It was all good until some nine-ish year old boy showed up with an overly-active man in his early sixties. They were pretty much playing tag with a tennis ball. The boy had quite the arm and the man had quite the face to have hit with said tennis ball. The boy was racing around the jungle gym telling toddlers to get out of his way and using a sprinkling of mild language. When he started shouting "WHO WANTS TO PLAY?!" I knew it was time to leave.

A couple of Disney channel shows later, I broke out the arts and farts and crafts. Markers, crayons, spider writers, gel pens, stickers, construction paper, funky scissors, glue sicks and even feathers! She made cards for her parents, I made a cootie catcher. All in all, it's a pretty good way of making money. Maybe I should do it full time. Motherhood, that is. Baby makin' 24/7.

Take The White Pill

Now I know this is going to sound crazy but I found some pills in my medicine cabinet. I don't know why I have these particular pills. I don't remember what they're prescribed for. My name is on the bottle but I don't recall what I went to the doctor for in July 2008. I Googled the name. This didn't help much, unless I've been diagnosed with arthritis and forgotten. I also asked a nurse who claimed to have prescribed this particular medication in the past. She could not remember why. Perhaps it is a memory-erasing pill? Inconclusive.

This is about as reckless as I get. I had a headache today so I took one of these pills, since they seem to be for some type of pain. It's been a few hours and I still have the headache. Here are my options: throw them out, sell them, crush them up and snort them.

Hometown Glory

Today my brother mentioned a movie starring Vivica A. Fox that had been filmed at our old high school. This reminded me of a few others that had been shot in the area. As I was reading through a list of local filming locations on IMDB, I came across the Four Seasons Family Nudist Resort.
We had also been discussing our upbringing and comparing it to others, for better or for worse. I think never bringing us to a family nudist resort earns my parents some points.

Notable movies filmed in my hometown: The Incredible Hulk, Hairspray, Glitter, American Pie Presents The Naked Mile*, American Pie Presents Beta House*.

*direct-to-video releases

Psychoanalysis

I babysat tonight. After she fell asleep I went on MSN.

Sara says (12:50 AM):
I think the little girl is dead. What's the best way of disposing a 6 year old? her shoulders may fit through the garbage chute
Sara says (12:51 AM):
I hope George Bush isn't tapping my MSN

Okay, so I'm stalling. I have some projects in the works that will most likely show up on here once complete. Patience is a virtue.

P.S. I will babysit your kids if you want.

js27

I appreciate all of his constructive criticism and his positive and negative reinforcement. He is a sick and twisted individual, which is made apparent in his blog. Sick and twisted, yes, but it's also the funniest thing since sliced bread. I might as well throw in a link to his YouTube, which has been garnering quite the following.

TK Dallman

I imagine TK stands for Trent Kent, making his his full name Trent Kent Reznor Brockman Dallman. I'm going to respect his wishes and not include a graphics interchange format image. He didn't state his opinion on Myspace links though. His music makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I've contacted my physician.

Dear Reader

I feel guilty (and also quilty) for not updating this thing lately. Most of my genius is now being condensed and spit out onto Twitter. Would it make sense to link to it even though that's probably why you're here in the first place? Maybe not. Maybe I should just take the link off of my Twitter profile. NEIN! This blog ain't dead yet. I just haven't been thinking in terms of 140+ characters lately. Something's bound to come up soon...

P.S.
I'm curious as to who visits this blog. If you're in the mood, why not leave a comment? Maybe I will overlook what it says at the top there and direct/dedicate an entry or two to you.

I Also Rap

Here's a couple of family-friendly bars all the way from grade nine:

I ain't got a rhyme book, none of these lines is pre-cooked
Oh wait, they've all been written - by Sara Brittain
Protect Ya Neck, my rhymes will cut you up
The ending of this rap will be rather abrupt

Spiffy GIF #5

Stephen Colbert singing 'Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe'

Spiffy GIF #4

Michael Ian Black's smear campaign

Spiffy GIF #3

Sarah Silverman on the Late Show with David Letterman

Spiffy GIF #2

Jon Stewart getting his rave on for reasons I can't remember.

Spiffy GIF #1

I'm going to start posting some of my .gif images. Many of them were created from screen captures I took at chance moments when I used to watch cable on my PC, hence all of the station logos. Also, if you can think of something better than Spiffy GIFs, let me know. Let's start with some gentlemen with weiners in their mouths from when The Comedy Network aired the first season of Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!


Krink FTW

Deconstructing Deconstructing Harry

-Woody Allen, Bob Balaban, a 9 year old and a hooker in the same car? CHECK.
-Billy Crystal as the leader of the underworld? CHECK.
-Julia Louis Dreyfus getting it on with some old dude? CHECK.
-Robin Williams literally out of focus? CHECK.

My review: Not bad, not bad at all.

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 4

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 3

They've been separated. Cuteness nullified.

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 2

Adorable Birth Defects Pt. 1

Don't Read This

I had three distinct dreams last night. The first of which was about two women sitting at a table having a conversation that seemed very provocative at the time. So good, that I was aware of it in my dream and tried waking myself up so I could write it down before I forgot it. Damned sleep apnea. Here's what I could remember of it when I finally woke up:

"What's the ketchup for?"
"My omelette."
"You don't like ketchup."
"I like having the option."
She would later learn to regret saying this.

This was only the tip of the iceberg. It eventually took a turn for the serious. It wasn't as if I was one of the characters or observing this happen, it was as if I was controlling it and writing it as I went. A dream that I forgot. Worth it's own post? Perhaps not.
Consider yourself lucky that I didn't go into the next two dreams.

Cyclops In Rainbows

I'm sick of LeVar Burton. His ass is popping up everywhere lately; The Soup, Loveline, even on Kevin Pollak's Stickam channel. What is he even promoting? A new Star Trek/Reading Rainbow DVD release? You can't have two capital letters in your first name! And that facial hair! At least have the dignity to pick up some Just For Men. 175, 312 followers on Twitter? Absurd! Sick tat, brah.

























Update: Mr. Burton has gained 165 followers on Twitter since I started typing this. I guess I'm alone on this one.

Bucket List

• break an arm or leg
• give birth
• own another dog
• get a tattoo I regret
• be on TV, for any reason
• colour my hair (not very lofty, just unlikely)
  
• visit another province or territory
• leave the continent
• fend off an attacker
• fend off a lion, tiger or bear
  
• poop in the shower
• meet Sloan (also not very lofty)
• visit the Kinder factory
  
• go undercover (fake moustache)
• use the men's room when the ladies room is occupied
  

(the last 2 would most likely occur simultaneously)

Fan

A teetering ceiling fan makes for an exciting night;
you may wake up to a face full of rapidly rotating blades.

You Make My Dreams Come Drew

I dreamt about Dr. Drew last night.

We were outside in a cottage-on-the-lake-type setting. The two of us were talking a 22 year old through her relationship problems. She had a quick temper and was your typical concrete-thinking Loveline caller. We then learned she had a child. All I remember besides this is ending up in bathing suits and wading around in the lake, still trying to calm this girl down. Drew was getting a bad sunburn on his shoulders. I tsk-tsked him and was trying to cover them up with my forearms in an attempt to prevent further burning. This is what happens when you fall asleep listening to Loveline.

More dream recounts to come...

Lord, We Don't Need Another Vest

What the world needs now is jackets, leather jackets. It's the only thing that there's just too little of. What the world needs now is jackets, leather jackets. No, not just for some, but for everyone.

St. Patrick's Day

My hair is orange and I'm sitting at home on St. Patrick's Day. I'm about as Irish as it gets. I'm talking "Is that chick's hair on fire?" "Maybe, but why's her skin so freakishly pale?" No boozing either. Something just ain't quite right.











I don't see the connection. It must be one of those Jesus Christ/Easter Bunny-type situations.

What Makes Me Laugh

I know what you're wondering. What makes Sara LOL? Well, you've come to the right place; my stupid blog. This video is a very good example of what makes me laugh out loud. Let this be a warning: the following video may arouse you. But SRSLY, it's RLY funny. Watch it. ALL OF IT.

Thanks For Reading

...but I have nothing to blog about right now.
Besides really really really wishing I could play an instrument.

Emotions Materialized

Possible Career Paths

• Phone sex operator
• Vigilante abortionist
• Open letter writer
• Joke recycler
• Wal-Mart greeter
• Myth purveyor
  
• Hand/foot model
• Abstract painter
• Children's book author
• Crossing guard

Why I Might Be Gay

Wearing plaid flannel shirts, track jackets and Hush Puppies socks, my lifelong disinterest in Brad Pitt, my lifelong interest in stand-up comedy, Keeley Hazell's boobs.

Things...

I wish I enjoyed: classical music, mushrooms, flip-flops

I can't do standing still: talk on the phone, brush my teeth, run

I find funny: mispronunciations, over-enunciation, fake tans

I consider to be character flaws: not liking The Beatles or The Simpsons, preferring flavoured water over plain water

What I Wouldn't Do For You

-Diet & exercise
-Kill (this is flexible)
-Take down my Robert Smith poster
-Stay in the sun for extended period of times
-Watch Two and a Half Men (unless I can constantly point out the tarantula on Charlie Sheen's forehead)
-Share my Kinder Schokolade
-Write a blog that isn't self-serving

Things...

I enjoy: walking, whistling, Socratic irony, most colours

I find strange: people who wear shoes in their home

I don't want to see: pictures of your kid

Conspiracy Theory #1

Hand moisturizer manufacturers conspire with hand washing poster manufacturers. Reason: Hand washing posters instruct you to wash your hands with soap. Soap dries out your hands. Your hands then require moisturizer. I think I'm onto something...*

*I thought this would make for a good blog but it turns out I'm not a conspiracy theorist nor have I ever been and this totally sucked. My apologies.

Red Hot Hiatus

The Red Hot Chili Peppers have recently confirmed that they are extending their previous hiatus to two years. To express my grief, here are a few select Neil Hamburger jokes.

How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it depends how recently they've shot-up!

Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?
Well, because they were running away from the rehab clinic.

What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when their management informed them that they were not at all happy with band's latest tracks?
Well, they went out and bought long-sleeve shirts.

What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chili Peppers with an octopus?
Junkies with eight arms to shoot up into.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a banana?
Well, a banana is high in potassium, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are high on heroin.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Harriet Tubman?
Well, the great Harriet Tubman was of course a heroine to the slaves and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to heroin!

A&E's Intervention

How do these people still believe that they're only taking part in a documentary about addiction and have no idea that they're going to be the subject of an intervention? I call bullshit!

Alcoholism, eating disorders, self-injury, and addictions to drugs, sex, gambling, video games, shopping and plastic surgery are no excuses to not watch basic cable. I think their first step toward recovery is calling their local service provider. Imagine how little time would be focused on their addictions if watching TV became their new vice. HGTV could be substituted for marijuana use; MTV Canada could replace those stubborn meth habits. What a utopia!

A Tactless Quipping!

Why is Darrell Hammond still on Saturday Night Live?

WHY, I ASK, WHY?

Perhaps it's because he's the only older male on the cast.
Perhaps it's because the producers really enjoy his 10 second an episode appearances.
Perhaps it's to continue his tenure as the longest-running cast member (since 1995)!

What is he supposed to do now that Dick Cheney is no longer second banana and no one cares about Donald Trump or Bill Clinton? Why am I blogging about Darrell Hammond instead of doing homework? Why, I ask why?!?

Works of Art Pt. 5

Works of Art Pt. 4

I never said they were going to be topical!

Works of Art Pt. 3

Works of Art Pt. 2

"The Roots Of All Evil"

Works of Art Pt. 1